Marry Your Self First interview

Marry Yourself First;
Your Key to Manifesting Loving Relationships

By Rev. Linda L. Chappo

1. What is self-marriage or self-commitment?

Self-marriage is similar to our traditional marriage, except that the primary relationship in this situation is with our Self. It’s a declaration of love, honor, and respect directed inward. I think of the self-marriage concept as investing in radical self love, radical meaning the root of or foundation. In turbulent times, radical acts can be vehicles for positive change and transformation. (In a survey on self love, 95% of respondents experienced bouts of self-loathing, in regards to weight, failures, work, and lack of creative output.) We can all benefit from self-commitment by recognizing that the healing and love it engenders isn’t only for our own mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, but may affect every area of our lives; work, family, friendships and even our health. People who make this investment in themselves have an opportunity to answer the question, “who am I and how can I express that more fully in the world?”  As a minister and holistic health counselor I feel it is my purpose to help people answer that important question.

Many people feel they lack the love they want to experience in their lives, whether it is self love or love with another person. Experiencing a loving relationship helps us feel fulfilled. We start with ourselves by discovering that, on a deeper level, there really is no lack. We use that awareness to improve our individual world.

The self-marriage workshop and ceremony brings the individual self back into focus. It helps us tune in to what is special about us. We acknowledge those unique qualities that define us, and that also attract people to be in relationship with us. The ceremony gives us permission to be the love we desire. When someone else later enters into the relationship, then it’s understood that we each come from a place of wholeness, rather than neediness or desperation.

Self-marriage helps us to prepare ourselves for entering into an intimate relationship, whereby we know ourselves more intimately and communicate that awareness to potential partners. Self-marriage comes from the idea, “If I don’t love me, why would anyone else?” The promise is that we will love, honor and respect our own self (body, mind and spirit), regardless of whether we are alone, in an intimate relationship or a spousal marriage. The one person that is constant in our entire life is our own self. After relationships come and go, it is necessary to hold ourselves in a high place regardless of any former mistakes. The self-commitment is for our personal growth, and healing the wounds that hold us back from experiencing true love in the future.

In my Marry Yourself First journal, I created 10 promises for living happily ever after. They are promises that touch every part of our lives. Everyone has their own idea of what happiness means to them, therefore workshop participants have the opportunity to create their own personal vows.

2. Does spirituality play a role in self commitment?

Absolutely! People who marry themselves first are essentially marrying their spirit or higher Self. They marry that part of them that is connected to the Divine. It is the part that is whole, innocent, holy, and wise. Clergy does not have a corner on holiness. We are all holy beings. That was the first radical teaching that hit me when I began studying A Course in Miracles.  I never thought of myself that way before, or anyone else for that matter. That truth evolves us into a whole new level of being. The Course teaches us that the goal of every relationship is to be a holy relationship. This is achieved by allowing the Divine to be a part of it.

Dr. Wayne Dyer says “We are spirits have a human experience.” So marrying your Self first honors the idea that we are essentially spirit and brings that idea to the forefront.

The marriage ceremony is spiritually based. I took all my favorite parts from wedding ceremonies I performed for couples and combined them into this ceremony. Everyone loves it.

3. What are people who have not made a deliberate attempt to commit to themselves missing out on?

Our culture has very few opportunities to celebrate our individual experience in the world. People are missing out on an opportunity for personal growth. The ceremony/ritual is more personal and intimate than most other worldly celebrations.

Participants may marry themselves first in order to prepare themselves for intimacy with a potential partner. It’s a way to become clear on who you are, and what helps you to feel loved, appreciated and respected by your life partner. You are essentially saying “these are my strengths, and these are my good characteristics. This is what I am bringing to our relationship.”

There are men and women who may never marry, remarry, find a life partner or true love. Some of those people suffer over that idea. It sometimes results in self-loathing, cutting oneself and even suicide. Self-marriage is a way of acknowledging that everyone has an inner beauty and a loving connection with the Divine. We are all worthy of love and this is just one way to stay connected to the love that resides within each of us. Not finding an intimate true love partner doesn't mean that we will not find loving relationships that enrich our lives. We can be grateful for the many ways love shows up for us.

There are some amazing payoffs for working on our self; by forgiving our selves and other people for their mistakes. For my part, I found the most authentic intimate relationship I’ve ever had after spending time and effort working on myself. I prayed about it and confirmed that I was ready for a relationship. About a month later he appeared at a church I attended. We were together for five wonderful years, and we are still friends today. I encourage people to attend healing workshops, read self-help books and listen to tapes, meditate/self-reflection, spiritual gatherings etc. Some churches offer opportunities for healing.

We must leave the old baggage behind. Healing old wounds and breaking negative ties are imperative for moving on with our lives and entering into a new, fresh and healthy relationship. 

4. How does one balance self-commitment with other relationships in their lives?

The word balance is the key here. Most of us intrinsically know where to draw the line, when self-love becomes excessive. Most people associate self-commitment with self-improvement. Self-marriage is not meant to interfere with our relationships, but enhances them by allowing each person to communicate their truth. And that’s critical in the early stages of a relationship. It’s a foundation on which we build the rest of our relationship.

5. Is self-commitment narcissistic? Why or why not?

No, as long as we are not identifying with our ego (our darkness), to the exclusion of other people.

Narcissism is the excessive interest in one’s own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities. I encourage participants to love themselves in a way that is healthy, to bring out the best in them and share that as much as possible. We become a magnet for other people who are also looking to have healthy relationships.

6. How and why did you become involved in this work?

The idea of marrying myself started coming at me from all directions. A few years ago I saw it written on a list of inspiring things to do. The idea intrigued me, and I thought about the reasons I would want to do this. It was mainly to be more patient and loving towards myself. I thought, “I could be kinder to myself and not always find fault.” I kept hearing my father’s voice in my head … "that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough." I was tired of hearing those old tapes playing in my head. I knew they weren’t true, but I still searched for a way to acknowledge my own good. Our women’s group listened to tapes by one of our favorite intuitive counselors who stated that "you have to marry yourself first."

 So it seemed like a bit of synchronicity was happening. A walk by a neighborhood bookstore presented a magazine in the window called “To-do List.” The title on the front read “Self-loathing, a resistance manual.” I immediately purchased it to read an article about a woman who married herself. Even though she was engaged, she found the experience to be fulfilling. I was inspired and decided to take the leap myself. I didn’t know anyone who was performing self-marriages, so I decided to perform my own ceremony. It was tricky, almost humorous, because I played all the parts; the minister, my physical self and my spirit Self. I wrote a small ceremony, lit a candle and married my Self. I wanted it to be personal, private and most importantly, spiritual. I felt like a changed person afterwards. I still live by those commitments. I treat myself like I would want a spouse/friend to treat me, and how I treat them… very delicately, because we are highly sensitive beings.

7. What is your background and the scope of the work you do in this area and others?

I knew that healing work was my calling, so I studied various alternative healing modalities. I became certified as a holistic health counselor at The World School of Advanced Healing Arts in San Francisco, CA in 1992. Through that training I discovered hypnotherapy as a powerful healing tool. I became a hypnotherapist with The Hypnotherapy Training Institute in San Rafael, CA and the Alchemical Hypnotherapy Institute in San Anselmo, CA. I eventually started my own practice in San Francisco. At the same time, I continued an intense study of A Course in Miracles, which is a personal and transformational path. ACIM© is the real core of my teaching. I became ordained as a minister in 1995. I trained in psycho-synthesis at the famous Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California and received my training in Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction at Mount Madonna Center in Santa Cruz, CA.

Several years ago I started offering group marriage workshops and ceremonies. I wasn’t certain how many people would be interested in self-marriage, but the response was good and people continue to call me. I use guided imagery processes to help participants find resolutions to lifelong challenges. Participants safely connect with an inner benevolent entity. It might be their spirit guide, their higher Self, their inner child, a deceased family member, or angel. There is usually a message, and an exchange. It's a widely used alternative healing practice. Participants find healing and power in the many processes that I offer. The marriage ceremony is intimate and meaningful to each participant.

The lengths of the classes vary. There are three hour classes, or weeknight classes that span five weeks or a full weekend. The weekday and weekend courses allow participants to do some deeper work on themselves. About 90 people have married themselves under my guidance. I consider it a spiritually binding agreement. I also perform marriage ceremonies for couples. Loving and being loved is all important in our lives. Bringing that love to our personal relationships keeps them healthy and happy.